Monday, February 28, 2005

she will be mine


eva mendes is wondering where i've been all her life. patience, eva. patience. [photo credit: nicole zheng]

for some reason unbeknownst to me, i diligently searched for, and found, eva mendes's official fan page last night. okay, it wasn't really a diligent search, but it would have been had it actually been a difficult website to find. imagine that websites dedicated to attractive women who are starring in hit movies would be so easily discovered?

for those that don't know who or what i'm talking about, eva mendes is an actress/model who can currently be seen in that will smith movie, "hitch." now, the movie isn't that great. frankly, kevin james is the best part about it; then again, i think he's funny as hell. maybe you don't. anyway. she's in it, playing a hard to get gossip reporter who ultimately acquiesces to smith's charm and becomes the fresh princess of nyc. as it turns out, mendes has had several movie roles in the past, and, yay, good for her.

before i saw her website, she was just a pretty face who happened to get a part in a movie; however, upon reading her biography (i'm one of those "i read it for the articles" types), i was shocked to discover that we are, in fact, soul mates. consider:

1 she's 5'7". i am also 5'7". in heels. the point is, we're almost the same height. no complicated adjustments necessary.

2 eva's first car was a 66 ford mustang. now, you all probably don't know this, but my dream car, the only car i've ever been sexually attracted to, is a 66 ford mustang.

oh, and i'll pass on this word of caution. never good to act on that kind of attraction.

society just isn't ready.

3 her favorite movies are "the shining" and "blow up." which means she knows the difference between an awesome movie ("blow up") and the runs ("blow out"). so, even though she stars in hack jobs, she can recognize quality. very important in a mate. you'd want to be able to go see a crap movie and laugh later about how it was crap.

4 she manages a band! the band's name is tiger. meanwhile, i have secretly always wanted to be a scout for a record label. together, we could start a label, pooling all of her money with my lack-of-business-sense-slash-rudy-like-love-of-music to create an unprofitable nightmare that will have been started in her name.

5 here's the kicker. her favorite bands? belle and sebastian, the strokes, the stone roses, saint etienne, the ocean blue, oasis, the smiths, and the nortec collective. only some of those bands are shite; the rest are awesome! and the fact that she put belle and sebastian first. well. doesn't that say it all? yes, it does.

no? okay. don't you see? she's calling to me. she's saying, "i understand you. i also listen to effeminate men who are so in touch with their emotions it's not only creepy but even a little threatening to my identity as a woman. complicated, overly dramatic men who will burden me with their sensitivity interest me greatly and i want to sleep with them sexually."

6 she's a pisces. technically, a virgo/pisces match is one of the worst matches astrologically possible, but stick with me here. if you know me, you know i love being challenged. therefore, this kind of match makes absolute sense.

the only major obstacle, besides her fame, money, and good looks and my lack of any of those, is that she is presently in what seems like a serious relationship. frankly, this does pose something of a problem, but on the bright side, it is with a man, so at least i'm playing for the right team. after careful deliberation, i've decided the best plan will be to hang back for 2, 3 years tops, and then make my move. i figure, in 3 years, her career will have fizzled out, whereas mine will just be starting to take off, creating an opportunity for my brush with celebrity rejection.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

it's a boy!



congratulations, tony and rose, on your new baby boy, a week and (almost) two days old today.

the picture above was taken very soon after alex was born. i'm not only very thankful to both of them for letting me have a copy of it (i have one in a frame by my desk) but for letting me post it!

rose, to say that i admire you for everything that you've sacrificed and endured to bring a healthy baby boy into the world would be an understatement. you are an example to everyone of what can be done by one who is truly willing and committed. that said, i don't know that i could have done it myself.

tony, i have such respect for your commitment as well. you went to every doctor's appointment, you were always willing to help; you've truly risen to the challenge of being responsible for another life. you're a great friend and i am so happy for you.

to the both of you, i've seen over the last few days how much you love this child already. you two are incredible people whom i am thankful to know, and i'm simply amazed at the commitment you've already shown to your child. alex is truly very lucky to have such loving parents.

they're actually also very attractive people, but you must remember, he's wearing a face mask sopping with tears, and she's been in labor for 13 hours. yes, you read that right. 13 hours. see? i told you, she's a trooper. i heard that straight from tony, so i know it's true.

in my last post, i wrote about the transcendent beauty of the natural world. i don't know that i would use the word "beautiful" to describe childbirth, but it is miraculous, it is awe-inspiring. i know it has been said before, but when you actually hold a baby in your arms, well, it needs to be repeated: it is simply amazing to me that all of us start out as little helpless automatons, as little fragile learning bots. of course, we weren't all this cute:



that's alex. according to tony, he's going to be a pitcher or a shortstop, depending on which hand is dominant. as far as i know, there's no contingency plan if he turns out to be ambidextrous. but i digress.

i had never held a baby before, but tony forced me. i was afraid that by some rube-goldbergesque machination i would somehow, from a seated and stable position, drop the baby on his head ("if only that bird hadn't tipped forward, causing that precariously placed bowling ball to roll down the ramp onto that conveniently positioned toaster lever..."). at any rate, feeling this tiny little life squirming and moving, sensing everything for the first time... how else can you describe it? it's a magical experience. i recommend all of you go find some babies to hold.

no, don't take them anywhere. just hold them, and then put them back. there. good.

i did not smell the baby. everyone was doing it like it would make them hallucinate, like they were taking hits off the kid or something. i was afraid a side effect of the high would be an increased desire to have my own children, and therefore declined the offer. which is good, because when i was holding alex someone told me to, quote, "not bogart that shit." i don't use so i have no idea why anyone would invoke a dead actor when asking me to share. oddly enough, i think it was a nurse who said it...

meanwhile, those of us with breasts were making the child sleepy by perching him upon them. i suddenly felt jealous, because i lost my breasts when i lost all that weight.

and then i felt even more jealous, because alex got more action in his first 24 hours of life than i did throughout my first 22 years.

now that i've let myself start making cheap jokes, i'll bring this to a close. rose, tony, alex, you're surrounded by people who love you. obviously, both of your families, but also all of your friends, all of whom share in a portion of the happiness you're experiencing. we're here for you if you ever need us, and even if you don't need us.

and especially if there's some dirt on alex that we can embarrass him with when he's older.